April 14, 2009

  • How to be Popular on Xanga

    Popularity is one of the things which plagues us as a society, and as a community here on Xanga, on the internet in general, and certainly in the real world. Everybody wants to be popular. So I thought I would list the 5 ways I have found in my own research which makes people popular.

    1. Attack everybody.

    Who said popularity had to be positive? Sometimes, negative is the way to go. Look at that one guy a while back on Xanga who was copying other peoples posts. He was blasted by everyone, but  he was still popular. Hundreds of people commented on his posts to tell him how much he sucked.  Instant Xangalebrity was achieved! So many people commented on that guys posts. He was a genius. They were appalled at his audacity, incensed at his insensitivity, and covetous of his cajones.

    2. Give the perception that you are being attacked by everyone.

    Oftentimes, those that do this are hardly attacked by anyone, but in order to be popular, they must feed this perception. And so ever negative comment they receive, they blow entirely out of proportion and spend 25 days discussing it. People like martyrs. If you can successfully convince people that you are being attacked by everyone around you, people will rally behind you no matter what you do. People like to feel like they’re pursuing justice, so they will defend you to the death. It’s also important to make sure you appear strong in the face of all this unnecessary cruelty and hate that is being spewed toward you - even if it’s just one sentence out of a 3 paragraph comment that you feel you can exaggerate.

    3. Be a little emo bitch.

    Liitle Emo Bitches are the best. These are the people who blog every day about cutting and suicide and crying their way through their broken blood stream of angst and sadness filled with vipers tears on a warm summers day with alligator pumps and a shiv made from their shattered dreams. People will react one of two ways to this. They will either pity them, or rip on them. Either one works. Like I said in number one - who said popularity had to be positive? Go for it. Write your best lame-ass emo poetry. It will do wonders for your Xangalebrity status.

    4. Blog about sex (this one only works for the ladies).

    I enjoy reading our sex Bloggers here on Xanga, don’t get me wrong, they rock. But let’s face it - they’re cheating, and here’s why. SerenaDante and Snippie are both hawt and they both have fuck-off attitudes and they write about awesome sex stuff like how to use a kiwi and a jar of apple butter and how that will make you have like, 80 orgasms. It’s awesome. Women who blog about sex should not be this hawt. They should be in their 60‘s, right at the point where their boobs are so flat that you‘re not quite sure if they‘re a dude or not. It’s unfair. I challenge a balding, fat, hairy dude to try and blog about sex and get that much attention. It is so damned unfair. (I’m kidding people)

    5. Make lists

    People like lists. Nice, neat, organized, informative lists. They are catchy. People like things they can read in a jiffy in a very thorough fashion. If all your blogs consist of lists, you will be popular.

    There you go, folks. Do one of these 5, or combine them even, and you will achieve instant Xangalebrity status within a month. Guaranteed*

    *DISCLAIMER: I am not to be held liable if this plan fails.

Comments (30)

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment